with a mother like this, who needs enemies?

before i get carried away, announcement: i changed my email address to irene06@gmail.com. the other one littleswallow06@hotmail.com will be only for msn purposes.

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very angry now cos of her. (sorry, full of ranting)

context. like little kids, i'm supposed to give her all my ang-pows to keep and i can only open it tonight. *rolls eyes* so i go to open it. and there she is, talking about don't know what crap. so i just say, can i just open it and be done with it??? cos frankly, i don't care about the process of opening. i only care about the result. anyway, she just blew her top. and started shouting and scolding me for don't know what reason anyway? what? can't i just have a simple request??? i have fucking school tomorrow and i haven't finished my tutorial, and i haven't showered, and haven't done what i'm supposed to do. ang-pow is not important compared to all this. and so she accused me of spoiling the last day of new year for her. *rolls eyes* whatever lah. i just open the stupid ang-pow at top speed while she continues ranting away. then fucking, just as i finished opening the last one, she comes and snatches the damn money away and keeps it. fuck. has it never occured to her that i might want some of that money for myself and not in cold storage in the fucking bank???! i can't even use the money i have in the bank lor. i should never have agreed to joint account with her. she monitors every single piece of activity on my nets and questions each and every transaction at the end of the month, even those labelled "nus co-op". all those lies about going to let me handle my own money. anyway, DO NOT ask me how much i got from my ang-pow this year. i. do. not. know.

and that was just the last straw. i am sick of living in the same house as her. one of the things she's accusing me of is reading weird books. just because i was reading "angels and demons" by dan brown. and i bet you everything i own that she has no idea what's in the book. talk about taking things at face value. she had absolutely no problems with me reading "the templar revelation" even though the entire book is about jesus being fictional and a conspiracy. or all those mary magadalene books. now i'm finally reading a book that's sort of pro-religion and she is so against the book just because it has the word demon in the title. fuck lah. she should scold dad for this one. he's the one that brought the book home in the first place.

and then there's the issue of me supposedly trying to brainwash andrew to go to meridian and break the tradition of going to catholic schools. big fat F-U-C-K. for the record, i did not tell andrew to go to meridian cos it is secular. i do not consider religion as a factor in this. i mean, open your eyes, and smell the shit. this is a cruel secular world we live in. it's about time she realises that religion is not going to help. being sequestered in a catholic environment all your life is not going to prepare anyone for the real world. talk about biasness. she wants ME to draft HER an email so that she can thank andrew's teachers for taking such good care of him during his years at sji. hell i'm going to. what the hell she wanna do that for????? it's not as if they gave andrew special treatment or anything. and since it's andrew's teachers, why the fuck am i the one that has to do the email??? and i didn't see you trying so damn hard for me to get into cj. you had absolutely no problem with me going to meridian despite that it isn't a catholic school and that it's in far off pasir ris. and now you're saying that andrew can't go there cos it isn't catholic and it's in far off pasir ris? bullshit.

and then there's the church choir too. she accuses me of letting dawn handle too much despite the fact that i'm supposed to be leader now. for the record, i don't care. she's got more experience so it's only logical that i ask her to help. she says that i'm undermining my authority because of that. whatever. i don't care about authority. right here and now if someone else is willing to lead, i am so willing to let them. i don't want to be a leader. at all. i don't care about being at the helm of anything. i just want to be one of those nameless people in the background. yes, and i don't care if i do it all my life.

and then she's always talking about how good so-and-so is, how so-and-so is so kind hearted and always gives to charity, and always helps the less fortunate etc etc. fuck. what's the point in telling that?? so what? i don't care. it's their life. they want to do what they're doing, so be it. just don't shove them down my throats like they're living saints or something. i will never be like them ok. quit telling me how wonderful this and that person is. and she thinks that clay aiken is trashy just because he's a music celebrity and that i like him.

and there's the uni. frankly, i don't give a damn about uni. i don't care if i don't get a fancy degree. they've said that uni is for those people who are someday gonna be somebody in the working world. uh-uh. not for me. and she scolds me for that. saying that when i get my degree, get a good job, earn big money, and then can give back and help the church. bullshit. and she still cannot accept that i will not, repeat, will not join the catholic student society at nus. why the hell should i? as if i can't get enough through the choir? she keeps broadly saying that next year, in year 2 when i 'm more free i should join css. or i should go and find out where they're having mass and go and join them when they do. *rolls eyes* take the hint! i don't want to join them.

she's so fanatical about religion. and i don't see the reason why. it's never done me any good. and when i imply that to her, she just blows up again. she's so narrow minded in that way. she thinks it's a mortal sin that i refuse to go with her to novena. ok. i will confess my sins here and now. i pay only lip service to god. i do not pray. i have not gone for confession for 4 years. i have not said the rosary on my own for 2 years. (i don't even know where in my room the rosary is) i don't believe that the bible is the ultimate word of god. the communion is just a wafer and not the body and blood. i have been entertaining notions that the whole catholic faith is based on a conspiracy theory and that jesus never existed nor did he die on the cross or rise from the dead. there. i've said it. go on and excommunicate me.

and then, cos i've been using the comp till quite late at night. so i'm tired the next day right? so when i decide to go to sleep early, like tonight, she blows her top and scolds me. says it's my own fault that i'm tired etc etc. hello? night time? sleep? what's the problem? aren't i doing what she wants? cannot understand her.

i cannot wait for the day when nus will tell me that i'm eligible for student exchange. how good it'll feel to finally be free, even if only for 1 sememster. planning to go with su hui to either US or canada. that's assuming that my cap score is good enough and that i got enough money. she's got to stop treating me like a kid. i may act like one sometimes but the fact is that i'm not. i'm officially going to be an adult in a year. and yet. i learnt in soci, children whose parents are high in demandingness (control) and low in responsiveness (emotional), aka authoritarian, tend to be high in instrumental competence and behavioral control but low in self esteem and ppl skills. and somehow, i feel that that describes me. i think i have not yet attained piaget's 4th stage of development. go figure. and whose fault is it?

ok. nuff for now. feel better now that i've let it all out. haha! thanks for reading all my crap.